When I sink into an Episode, I never know how long it’s going to last, or how bad it’s going to be. It could be suicidal-level, or severe-lethargy-level, or crying-til-I-can’t-breath level. It could last a few hours, or weeks. The uncertainty never helps.
This past week I’ve been what I call Edgy. It’s the stage after Meh, and the one before Episodey. I’ve had no energy, no oomph. I’ve wanted to do my housework, and my crafting, and packing, and all sorts of other things. But it’s taken me hours just to get out of the bed to go to the bathroom. I eventually move to the sofa where I put my shows on the computer. Some days I was able to craft, but not for more than ten minutes at a time. I’ve been eating nothing but cereal and sandwiches. It has not been fun.
And yesterday when I woke up, Edgy moved straight past Episodey and right into full blown Episode. Any last remnant of energy that I had went bye-bye. I curled up on the sofa and cried. For about five hours. I had one show on repeat over and over again; I couldn’t even focus on that. I wanted to binge eat, but had no energy to go and get anything. I wanted to self harm. I didn’t.. but the desire was there for the first time in months. It wasn’t pleasant. There’s a lot on my mind, and when I get Episodey I can’t stop those thoughts from getting louder and stronger. They spiral into worst-case scenarios, and worse-than-worse-case scenarios.
It helped a little that I managed to speak to Cayden on MSN for a few hours, but he was feeling as rough as me and the fact that I couldn’t help him made me feel worse. If that makes sense. And I know he feels the same way. His own issues make him depressed, and the fact that he can’t help his friends with their issues makes that depression a bit worse. Depression is not fun.
When I went to bed last night – actually this morning… I had to wait until I was falling asleep sat up, because otherwise I think and I cry and dwell and the Episode gets worse – I wasn’t sure whether or not I’d feel better or worse in the morning.
I didn’t feel better. And I didn’t feel worse. I slept well, and I had some dodgy dreams. Waking up periodically with my cats curled up asleep around me was nice. But when I woke up I was just as lethargic, and just as miserable.
Then this afternoon Kat and Chris came around to drop off some plates they were donating to me. My place is a mess, my cats’ litter area is a mess, I am a mess. It was the first time Kat and Chris had seen me quite so bad. And I was horrendously ashamed. They didn’t comment. I knew they wouldn’t, and I know they won’t ever bring it up unless I do it first. Because they’re good people like that.
After they’d left, I gradually got better. I didn’t really notice it happening until an hour ago when I was in the kitchen tearing open a packet of pasta in sauce. I don’t know whether just the company helped, or whether that shame triggered a change, or whether this particular Episode had just run it’s course. But I’m getting better. While my pasta was cooking I managed to clear the draining board, do a few bits of washing up, and even pick up some trash.
I still don’t have any energy. I suspect that’s a side effect of my new dose of medication. The old dose had me half-asleep all the time, and this dose has me not-so-sleepy, but lethargic all the time. What fun.
Maybe I’ll have energy in the morning. I don’t know. But being out of Episodey means that I’ll have more mental determination to push through it. Not much more, but maybe enough so that my place won’t look quite so crappy.