Knowing When to Give Up

Or not.

I’m not so good at letting go of the past.  I’ve finally reached a point where I wouldn’t go back and change anything if I could, because all that crap brought me to where I am and who I know now.  But I still have big, big issues.

But my biggest problem right now is my incapability/refusal to stop believing that something specific I lost will come back.  I’m not going to bother continuing to be subtle.  I’m talking about love.  I’m talking about my ex.  Who I’m still madly in love with, and who I’m still convinced loves me.

Well, 95% of me is.  There’s that very sensible little 5% of me that continually reminds me that I’m deluding myself, and that he’s never going to change his mind and come back to me.  Unfortunately, the 95% is very very skilled at sitting on the 5% and squishing it into silence.

It really doesn’t help that I’m still very good friends with him.  And it definitely doesn’t help that I go to stay with him once or twice a year and that “snuggles” may happen.  He did mention last night actually that the whole “snuggles” thing was a bit of a mixed message.

In his own words, he “cares about me a great deal”, but he doesn’t love me.  I really need to realise that and move on.  My friends and family all agree.  I just wish my 5% was a little louder and harder to squish into silence.

I’m a depressive, and I can pretty pessimistic at times, so why the hell am I such a hopeless optimist when it comes to ex-boyfriends?

It would help, of course, if I could find someone new to take my mind off things.  And I AM looking.  I’m not pinning all of my hopes on him waking up and realising the truth one day.  But I’m not having much luck.

Anyone know any tall, skinny, nerdy men who like tall, curvaceous, nerdy women?



About Colette Horsburgh

A 30-something creator/baker/writer/doodler/crafter living with several (but not enough) scatty animals.
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