Holding a Grudge

I can vary a lot in how I deal with people who have upset me.  Sometimes I let it slide over me, for little things at least.  But usually things hit me a lot deeper than I let on.  Most of the time I won’t let that show, I’ll sulk for a while, then move on.  Sometimes I sulk for a bit longer.  But I never forget.  I still have strong issues with people who hurt me decades ago – but those were pretty major events.

I’m writing about this now because there’s an issue that is current, that I’m not sure what to do with.  I don’t want to write about the specific event in too much detail, because I don’t want the people involved to know how I feel.  Which is the exact problem I’m having.

I don’t think they have any idea that they’ve hurt me.  I think as far as they’re concerned, I’ve just kinda vanished.  I haven’t been responding to recent messages.  And I’m not sure if I should or not.

Part of me wants to tell them exactly how I feel.  What they did that hurt me, and why it hurt me.  Part of me wants to forget they exist and move on.  Part of me is angry at that idea because I miss them as friends.  I just don’t know how to deal with it.

Not knowing how to deal with my anger is a big part of my depression.  I don’t know how many of you know this but I have/had an issue with self-harm.  When I first started I was living in a YMCA and had a support worker who told me I didn’t deal with anger properly and that I needed anger management therapy.  I laughed at the time.  I don’t need anger management therapy.  I don’t throw tantrums and get violent.  But suppressing anger and letting it fester until you take it out on yourself is just as much of a management problem.

Maybe I do need anger management therapy.  I don’t know.  I know I don’t deal with things in a healthy way, and although I’m working on that and have made great strides in the last year or so, I still have a long way to go.

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About Colette Horsburgh

A 30-something creator/baker/writer/doodler/crafter living with several (but not enough) scatty animals.
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