The Depressive

Ironically, as I write this I’m suffering from the start of a depressive episode.

I’ve been a Depressive since around the turn of the millennium.  After several years of family strife, and various general suckiness, I had my first episode and finally took myself to the doctor.

My depression makes me sleepy, moody, withdrawn.  It makes me unable to focus, unable to settle, unable to stop eating.  I cry, I sulk, I sleep, I stare at the ceiling.  Hmmm, I feel like I’m not explaining it right.

I’ve tried several times to write posts about my depression, and about how it manifests and affects my life.  They never seem quite right.

Sometimes I do better than others, and on occasion I’ve felt like I might actually be recovering.  Turns out I was wrong, but there you go.  I’ve realised that whether I’m recovered or not, I will always be a depressive.  I tend to think of it like alcoholism.  You’re never not an alcoholic, it’s just that sometimes you’re on the wagon.  Hopefully one day I’ll get on the wagon, and I’ll be able to stay there.

4 Responses to The Depressive

  1. magratscraft says:

    Hi there

    What you describe here is very much what my daughter describes to me about herself. She is similar to you in age and, like you, struggles to keep a job, a circle of friends, an independent life with depression always a threat. But she keeps on keeping on. I know, therefore, that nothing I put here will really help but I feel I need to try. In your bad times, know at least that you are not alone. Hold on to that wagon thought. The gaps between episodes WILL get longer.

  2. Linda P. says:

    You might enjoy reading this blog, which is a very eloquent (if often painful) discussion of depression. I wish you peace. 🙂

  3. Joyce says:

    Celeena, you have my heart as well as my empathy, because I’m also a depressive. Generally a low-grade but constant depression, sometimes going very, very deeply into the black hole. As I get older, tho, the black hole episodes don’t come as often, nor do they last as long. I think that’s what happens to most depressives, so there’s a wee bit of hope for you right there. Now. Are you aware of the Beliefnet site? Basically it’s a place where folks of just about any religion you can think of can come and find others of that belief to talk to, but!! There are also about a zillion forums of all kinds of different interests. One of those forums is the depression forum, and I highly recommend it. That’s the voice of experience speaking, as I’ve been posting there for about 13 years now, I think, and I love it. Right now there are only about nine of us that post on a regular basis, but there have been times with a lot more posters. So please, at least go to and look for “forums,” and after you’ve clicked on “forums,” look for “depression,” and read on it for a while, decide if you think you’d like to join in. I find that it’s a great little support group.


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